Advice for parents of children starting secondary school

Change of any kind in our lives can be challenging and none more so than the change of schools. Whether your child is leaving primary school and making the transition to secondary school or changing schools mid key stage, it can be both exciting and daunting at the same time.

Expectations versus reality

I clearly remember the excitement of heading off to secondary school in a brand-new school uniform and how high my expectations were. I had been a big fish in a small pond and naively thought that I would continue to enjoy that status. What a shock then when I arrived and discovered that the classes were grouped alphabetically by surname and that no one I knew was in my set. My enthusiastic efforts to make friends was seen as over-confidence and so I struggled to fit in.

Friendship challenges

To make matters worse, my best friend was in a completely different set from me with a few others from our primary school and it was not long before she was making new friends and hanging out with them at breaktime. It was a large school, filled with much older students (having a sixth form) and as a first former, I was now very much a small fish in a very big pond. The school drew in children from a wide catchment area and from a variety of socio-economic backgrounds.  Having come from a small, country primary school, I was having to learn quickly about different cultural norms and work out how to behave.

We build strength during struggle

This was not how I imagined secondary school to be – and I would say that I struggled for some time to fit in. It wasn’t all terrible and there was much about school that I enjoyed, especially sport, but it did knock my confidence and I think I became an acceptable version of myself to suit others rather than being the confident, bubbly enthusiast, who I really was. But there is a flip side to everything, and the most important skills I learned were life skills. Resilience, perseverance and strength are learned from experience – school can be a tough training ground, but it does prepare you for knocks further down the line.

The challenge for parents

As a parent myself, I wanted to spare my own children any bumps in the road in transitioning between schools, but I soon realised that they had to work it out for themselves. They had to make mistakes, make bad choices, be on the end of unkindness and unfairness, deal with friendship issues and deal with some disruptive classroom environments. My job as a parent was to be there to listen, to guide and only to act if necessary.

Your child is an individual. They may breeze through the transition, but equally it may take them by surprise. Their new class will be a melting pot of different personalities and they may be excited to make new friends. Similarly, they may want to stick close to old friends, but find it unsettling when the friendship group is expanded without a say in it.  There will be winners and losers in these situations and your child may well spend the first few weeks trying to work out where they fit in. They may be looking for a new best friend if they know nobody in their new school or may be dealing with shifting loyalties amongst current friends. Commonly, most will be yearning for the good old primary school days where everything was constant.

Help your child move between schools with these ten tips

So, what advice would I give to parents in helping their child deal with the transition between schools? Here are 10 top tips:

1. Be available to actively listen to your child.
2. Reassure them that change can be difficult especially at this point in their life.
3. Tell them that what they are experiencing is normal and that they are not alone.
4. Be positive about their new school- even if you aren’t feeling that way.
5. Encourage your child to look for extracurricular opportunities that the school has to offer. They will make new friends there.
6. Organise a get together with their primary school friendship group so that they can touch base with everyone.
7. If any friendship issues arise in school, talk to your child about the control they have over the situation. Empower them by discussing a plan of action. If it is serious, act quickly by meeting with the school pastoral leader.
8. Don’t worry! Our children break our hearts with their worries and anxieties. Something monumentally big on one day can be easily forgotten the next and we find that we have spent an entire day worrying unnecessarily.
9. Mark the day- the first day at ‘big school’ is a significant milestone for both parent and child. Celebrate it with your child’s favourite meal or a treat of some kind.
10. Talk to other parents- there is not a school gate to gather at anymore but organise a coffee or a walk and talk. It is good to share.